Jokes 03/02/12

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

My wife just called me.

She said, "The two kids want you to take them Bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema."

"It's either one or the other," I said, "otherwise it's too expensive."

"Okay," she replied. "Which one do you prefer?"

I said, "David."

"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?"

"I'm too drunk, you get in."

Sticky hand marks on the sofas; crayon scribblings on the carpet; drool over all the coffee tables.

I must have gone to the wrong Harvey's Furniture Store.

My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the pub.

So I've started smoking.

What starts with 'S' ends in 'ex' and gives Muslims an erection?

Semtex.

What's the difference between a rocker and a jazz man?

A rocker plays 3 chords in front of 3,000 people.

A jazz man plays 3,000 chords in front of 3 people.