I forgot about anti-jokes

An Irishman walks out of a bar.


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


What's sad about four black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.  (Haha, my dad was the sales manager of a Cadillac dealership for something like 37 years!)


Wow, I'm so fucked,  just sent my parents an e-mail where I actually referred to myself in the third person!  Not only that, but I actually called myself 'bad Stephanie.'

New jokes! And Terryworld.

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"



My daughter has decided to do hair and beauty when she leaves school.

Basically she's thick as fuck.



This is a joke S----- told me; love him, sense of humour as trashy as mine!:

I went to the beach, and I saw a woman lying there with no arms or legs.  I said to her, 'Why do you look so sad?'

She said, 'Because I've never been hugged.'  So I leaned down and gave her a hug.

I looked at her again, and I said, 'Why do you still look sad?'  She said, 'Because nobody's ever kissed me.'  So I leaned down again and gave her a kiss.

After the kiss I said, 'You STILL look sad, why are you sad?'  She said, 'Because I've never been fucked.' 

So I picked her up and threw her into the sea.



After I got mugged in Bradford the police officer asked if I could give a description of the assailant.

"I can give a very accurate description," I replied, as he opened his notebook. "He was a white youth aged between...."

"That's OK sir," he said, closing his book. "We're well acquainted with the lad in question."

I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket. And now I own a shopping trolley. Who visits millions of African children at Christmas while they're sleeping? Death. I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park. What do you get after you win a religious debate against a Muslim? Death threats. I had a job interview this morning. The guy said to me, "You'll get 25K a year, after 2 years you'll get 30K." I said, "Your maths is shit, mate." "Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to, "Your Christmas present is in there!" "Too late," I said, pulling open the door. "You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in. "Why the fuck would I want a half naked milkman?" Rank: I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least fucking wrapped it. 'I before E except after C'. That's confusing as fuck when I am trying to write 'ice'. Reports coming in that Santa will be 20 mins early tonight as he doesn't have to stop in Connecticut for long. How come the Mayans can predict everyone will die... but when I do it I get kicked out of the cancer ward? X-Factor winner James Arthur used to be an alcoholic down-and-out, and now he's writing songs for One Direction. Proof that, no matter what your lot in life is, you can always stoop a bit lower. I'll start to believe that video games create violent killings the day someone gets arrested for killing a pig by catapulting a bird at it. My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week... I lost it. I don't give a shit now and I won't give a shit about Kate and William's new baby when it's born. Unless they decide to name it Kong. My wife has been moaning for 2 days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement.  I should probably go down there and check on her, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain. An old guy slips and falls outside 10 Downing Street just as David Cameron is coming out to get in his car. Cameron helps the old guy to his feet. "Thanks," he says. "If you really want to thank me,"says Cameron, "just vote for me and my party in the next election." "Listen, mate," says the old guy. "I landed on my arse not my fucking head." "Oh Mary, you're pregnant! That's wonderful! And I'm not the father, but that's okay, because God is? Awesome!"  I love naivety plays. No end!.... To a friend: But, S----- speaking here, S----- has the book Terryworld by Terry Richardson.  Have you ever seen it?  I would SO have got that for you as a Christmas present.  It's amazing.  It's a fucking education.  I think EVERYONE, even if you're offended or you think it's smut or filth or whatever should see it.  I made myself look at every single page, even though there were some Chileans in the room who were pretty much like, 'Eeurgh, why are you looking at that filth?'  I actually think it's a culturally important book and a signpost for modern culture in 2012.  I'd made it to 36 years and had never actually seen a ladyboy before!  There's probably more disturbing stuff in there, but it was the ladyboys that threw me!  You SO need to see that book!

Foster the People's 'Pumped Up Kicks' 'Banned' from US radio

Following last week's primary school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, US, and some other (not worth mentioning the song or artist here) songe being banned, Foster the People's 'Pumped Up Kicks' has been 'banned' from some US radio stations.

http://globalgrind.com/music/foster-the-people-pumped-up-kicks-pulled-radio-newtown-massacre-details

Well, the song was released in 2010, and it was ABOUT the Columbine school shootings, so a) I don't think Foster the People are worrying about their chart position right now and b) this was no mere coincidence/something that can only now suddenly be seen to be in bad taste.

Anyone remember when Massive Attack were forced to be called 'The Massive' after September 2001?  

The world's happiest countries are in Latin America?

The world's happiest countries are in Latin America? Interesting how the most developed ones -- Chile, Argentina, Brazil, etc. didn't make the Top 10.

At #33 Chile reached the same place as China, Sweden, the United States and Swaziland. Nowhere else would I group those countries together!


http://www.ibtimes.com/are-worlds-happiest-countries-latin-america-956178


On Facebook, that news link was linked to the following photo, I have no idea why.  I had to re-post the photo, captioned 'One must have something to do with one's time.'

18/12 news... abortion in Ireland and cider limericks!

Ireland to legalise abortion, not just in cases when the woman's life is in danger, but even if she 'suicidal'.  (Which is in danger of a different sort.)  Good.  It's not a free-for-all or anything, but seriously - good.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/dec/18/ireland-legalise-abortion-life-risk

'Reforms expected to allow for abortions where there is a medical risk to the woman's life or a danger of suicide.'  How do you determine 'danger of suicide'?  Sounds to me like politician speak for 'well, we can't make it sound like it's on-demand, but really...'.  Where do you draw the line?  If you say you're suicidal?  Do you have to go into hospital with an overdose?  Visible slits on your wrist?  Claim your dad will kill you (which, if you're of certain ethnic minorities/religions might actually be true)?



I don't think I've done too badly -- a friend wrote me this on Facebook after reading about me banging on about British cider:There was a young lady of Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented,
And made cider inside her inside.


These were my two original responses:

What use was the cider inside
If 'tis the enjoyment denied?
The poor girl woke up
Said, 'now time to sup!,
A ciderless life I decried!'

In this far land is grown the wine --
For someone else 'twould be divine
The landscape takes shape
From the vines of the grape
Yet it's only for cider I pine

Today's news... US troops going to Turkey,

Indiekid Seventysix

Here we go again!

U.S. Troops Are Headed to Turkey to Defend It Against Syria

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/global/2012/12/us-troops-are-headed-turkey-defend-it-against-syria/59986/

In other news, remember that kid I complained about last week, the one I wanted to say to her mother, 'Your kid's a fucking brat.'?  Actually got some high praise!:

Hoy Sofía recibió su nota en Inglés y fué muy buena, de hecho, la mejor nota de prueba del año, un 6.0. Me llamó muy feliz desde el colegio por su resultado y recobró su confianza y su ánimo. Te debo agradecer el apoyo que le brindaste y la paciencia que le tuviste... eso hizo la diferencia. Ella no se dió cuenta de que estaba aprendiendo, pero si lo hacía en cada clase un poco mas.

'Today Sofia received her mark in English and it was very good; in fact, the best mark in the exam in the whole year, a 6.0.  She phoned me very happily from her school with her result and she's recovered [got back] her confidence and her [...? I understand it in Spanish, not sure how to translate it!  'Animation' doesn't work!] motivation.  I need to thank you for the support that you gave and the patience you had... it made all the difference.  She [Sofia] didn't realise that she was learning [?? what the hell else was I doing with her?], but she was doing it every lesson a little bit more.'

.....

And for light relief, some jokes!:

"Take me back to your place and fuck me up the arse!" Some fat girl demanded last night. "I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said. "Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked. "Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow." TOO AWFUL TO PUT ON FACEBOOK!!: What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature? Nurses can take a temperature. Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please." "Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?" "Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen. Lady: Do you smoke? Man: Yes Lady: How many packs a day? Man: 3 packs Lady: How much per pack Man: £10.00 Lady: And how long have you been smoking? Man: 15 years Lady: So if 1 pack costs £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you smoke? Lady: No Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then? My Jimmy Savile advent calendar is shit. The flaps only open from 1-16. So Tulisa's new album has flopped... She must have tried to suck it off. "Children in Need" is on the BBC today. Given their history of employing paedophiles, I don't think the BBC are the best judges of what children need. (jokes from sickipedia.com)

In today's news....

Not good that Facebook seems to have become a source of news (this appeared as a 'trending article' in my newsfeed).

Even worse that this actually happened:  David Cameron at Prime Minister's Questions responds to a question from Ed Miliband with 'We [his government] are raising money for the rich'.



http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/cameron-at-the-pmqs-we-are-raising-money-for-the-rich-8411915.html


Also, 'Bieber Murder Plot Foiled by Police'?  Damned police, they're only ever around when you DON'T want them to be!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2012/dec/14/justin-bieber-murder-kidnap-plot

Love the cynicism! -music

This seems like the first song in Spanish that I can listen to ALL the words and understand them all.

And what a sentiment, too; I agree, Andrés!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw0PmuX8HSk

(The teacher in me says this is a great song for students/people who are learning Spanish!)

Eleven days old, I know... and purposeless 'gossip'...

I was OBSESSED as of Tuesday with this Gabriel Aubry/psycho Halle Berry/hired thug Olivier Martínez case... Gabriel's hotness came second to me feeling for him for what was an obviously undeserved beating, even if he did swing first (which I don't believe, but I'm biased, Team Aubry!)... sadly I know what it's like to be kicked and punched in the face.  I spent hours and hours reading people's comments on it and looking for updates on Tuesday, Weds, Thurs... damp squib Friday, case settled with no juicy details , but Gabriel Aubry's got access to his daughter again, and let's hope that a) most importantly, the out-of-court-settlement means that goon (Olivier Martínez) who has no right to see HIS (GA's) daughter anyway is allowed anywhere near her and b) that Gabriel Aubry has got all his medical and court costs paid, as well as free access to his OWN daughter whom he clearly wants to fight for!

I need to update this blog more regularly!

(http://winsomeaunt.blogspot.com/2011/10/exploding-head-syndrome.html)

I need to get back into the swing of this blog more regularly!  Between dodgy (drunken) Facebook posts (... way too many times recently I have woken up on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon thinking 'WHAT did I write?'  And not even being able to remember.... Sometimes filled with shame when I've seen what I've written...), being filled with guilt for not getting around to writing to my non-Facebook friends, and just sometimes feeling stressed, with loads of thoughts running through my head, but never getting them out of my system.  Sometimes I think I think things that are quite interesting and/or worth recording, but I never get round to it, and thus those thoughts are lost forever!  And it's good (and probably healthy) to be able to vent!!

So, I can't catch up on everything, but one of yesterday's thoughts that was reiterated today: how do you tell a parent 'your kid's a fucking brat'?  This has to do with a 10-year-old girl I've been teaching English to.  Her mum is my student as well, and the mum's great.  I don't think this girl is a spoilt brat so much as a 'loose-boundaried' only child.  Her parents do teach her right from wrong and do try to tell her the appropriate way to behave; from what I've seen they're not strict enough or maybe they don't reinforce what they say.  I almost walked out of there yesterday, ready to forego whatever pay I may have earned.  You can't teach a child who doesn't want to put the effort in, and I'm not willing to play games (pretending she doesn't understand, avoiding answering direct questions by raising some stupid tangential point that even at ten years old she must realise is not the issue at all).

So on to more interesting things....  I made it to both these events in Santiago de Chile, one Saturday after the other:

             

I certainly do still love live music!  La Cumbre was certainly chileno: ran out of food before 9pm; overran by more than two hours; low on any entertainment outside the two stages that were directly next to each other (I still can't mathematically figure out how they got 39 bands on in 12 - I mean 14.5 hours - as each band seemed to play for well over 25 minutes (except for Astro).  But the sound quality was great, the stage set-up (with video screens) was good and it truly was the best opportunity all year to catch Chilean bands in one place.  I was too tired and too cold to see Los Bunkers (whom I love and pretty much bought the ticket for; they finished at 1.40am) and Francisca Valenzuela (caught her at Primavera Fauna), but I saw some of the bands I wanted to see: Dënver, Astro and Camila Moreno.  Missed Pedro Piedra, found Javiera Mena overrated, but enjoyed De Saloon, Ases Falsos, and Sinergía were certainly daytime crowd-pleasers!

Primavera Fauna was great, totally an 'international' event, but in addition to Francisca I saw The Walkmen (LOVE 'The Rat'), Dinosaur Jr (has it really been 22 years since I owned Green Mind on cassette tape? ... Weird to see J Mascis grey now!) and Pulp!  Jarvis is the (show)man!  I was a bit surprised to find out he's 49 rather than 46.  I also had a conversation with the drummer from Little Boots, Ben Chetwood.  A REALLY nice guy!  Extremely nice!  (Ben, Chile and Santiago, Chile isn't quite the paradise that it may have appeared, but it's really great you enjoyed your time here!)  I also had a good day out with friends.  And it's the ONLY festival I've been to in Chile (haha, I've only been to three) where they sell alcohol.  Win-win!  We wound up chilling next to the dance tent until 4am.  (What a shame about Chile's drug problem.  The problem is that drugs are too damn difficult to find here!)

Well, I've more to say, but not enough time!  I must remember to come back here regularly!

Until next time!  ¡Hasta luego!

Futuristic 'killer robots' that attack people, my arse....

Haven't the Americans been using 'drones' for years?  I'm accusing solely the Americans, maybe other countries launch drone attacks too, it's just that the U.S. is the only country I've ever heard of actively and repeatedly launching this type of attack.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2012/nov/19/killer-robots-banned-human-rights 

Such weapons do not yet exist, and major powers, including the US, have not decided to deploy them. But precursors are already being developed. The US, China, Germany, Israel, South Korea, Russia and Britain are engaged in researching and developing such weapons. Many experts predict that full autonomy for weapons could be achieved in 20-30 years or sooner, according to the report.

Confronting the music loss....

I'm finally, after about nine weeks confronting the music loss and have started to download stuff again and decide on a dedicated drive to download it to.

Had my first smoke in about three weeks!

Right now listening to The Twilight Sad; before that The Vaccines, and also downloading music by Crocodiles.... I've got to keep pushing this... when I've got the time.

What a great story - even if I shouldn't've cut-and-paste from Facebook

Bitches' out here passin out pussy like club flyers

A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation. LIKE
If you are against racism....

And my reply:

After a couple (4) drinks in me that nearly made me tear up... when I read the first part I was thinking 'I hope that hasn't since the '70s', but reading the rest of that, I assume it's from the '00s or '10s, but I hope that stupid bitch felt humiliated, and even better, I hope her world felt like it was turned inside outside because she is obviously too ignorant to even consider for one second why the flight attendant AND captain AND passengers would all have a conspiracy against her.

Speaking for myself, having been born in '76, I haven't really seen any overt racism since the '90s (and I left the States by then), and what I did see, luckily, was quite infrequent.  But there's no excuse for it, any time, anywhere.  I feel quite strongly about gay rights as well, and the one thing that is so tough about it is that it's one thing when someone takes the piss out of you/bullies you when it's because of something you've DONE.  When someone bullies you because of the way you were born, whether it's because you are black, brown, gay, have an unusual-looking face because of a birth defect, are missing a limb or stature because of a genetic disease... in that situation when someone bullies you are utterly defenceless.  

Call someone stupid for what they have DONE; never call someone stupid for who they are.

(This is an issue close to my heart, but luckily I've never been treated as badly as some others have.  [Sadly some people have lost their lives at the hands of bullies/thugs for no other reason than being different to the bullies/thugs.])  What a shame that a 16-year-old Nigerian boy, a cello player and basketball player, about to sit 11 GCSEs and get 11 Bs, As and a couple A*s in all 11, gets beaten to death or maimed by a gang of 16- to 21-year-olds, who have 5 GCSEs between the 5 of them, 3 of whom have previous convictions, and this young lad would probably have paid more tax to society and constructively contributed to more lives had he been allowed to live to a natural life span than the whole of the other five, for whom the taxpayer would probably fork out hundreds of thousands, off-and-on, continuously, for decades for their detention at Her Majesty's Pleasure.

What's the real danger?  Immigrants who actually WANT to be part of Britain (I'm not talking about those who abuse or use the system), or those lazy wastes of oxygen who lament a return to a historical point that they can't actually comprehend because they were too stupid to even get a GSCE when their educations were then being funded by taxpayers?  

I don't want to evoke Christian sayings/words/anything, so thank God/thank fuck that plain 'ol common sense is still out there.

I'm rubbish at updating... but here are some jokes

Family all sat down watching the Olympic opening ceremony 

Daughter: Afghanistan don't seem to have a big team?
Mother: They've probably all been shot...
Father: Yeah, but their Paralympics team is massive.




I was at a funeral yesterday and the vicar said "Has anyone got any kind words for him?" It was greeted by silence.

"Any friends?" "Any work mates?" 

Still silence.

The vicar then said "Can anyone say anything nice about this man?"

A voice from the back said "Yeah, his brother was a bigger cunt."

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase. A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eyesight' The shootings at the cinema in Denver have ruined the Batman film for me. All I can see in my pirate copy is the audience running about.

The Higgs Boson. Since we are now pretty sure it actually exists, can we all agree to stop calling it the "God particle?" I hope everything is fine with Adele's pregnancy. Because I really can't listen to a whole album about a dead baby this winter. Crimewatch: 48-year-old shopkeeper Javed Ali was brutally stabbed and after 2 weeks lying in a coma his family had to make the agonising decision. To shut the shop and go visit him in hospital. The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season. Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers. My children came up nervously to me and asked the awkward question about adoption. I looked at them and said with a smile, "Don't worry, there's no chance whatsoever of any of you being adopted." My job at the orphanage is now under question. Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses." A security guard stopped me as I walked out of Tesco this morning. "I believe you've got a bottle of champagne inside your jacket," he said. "Would you mind opening it for me?" "Not at all," I replied. "Have you got a couple of glasses?" As I sat down in front of the PC and had a wank, he calmly added an indecency charge. Apparently, birthing pools are very popular in China nowadays. It gives a more relaxed, natural birth experience, plus it's really handy for if the baby turns out to be a girl. I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, cracking open a beer. What's the difference between a carpet salesman and me when I'm out on the pull? One deals in rugs and drapes... My wife gave me a blow job this morning, and it was the first time she'd done it in fucking ages. I was so surprised and confused that I ended up paying her after it. Ashley Cole was asked in court yesterday if he found it a bit uncomfortable to be closely associated with an alleged racist. "Nah, not really - we're divorced now" he replied. "What's my name and who's your Daddy?" I shouted during one of our recent spanking sessions. "I don't know!" cried my wife. She was far kinkier before the Alzheimer's. I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain. I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

The Radio Dept in Santiago!

Marriage councillor says to a couple, 
"Tell me something both of you 
have in common."  

Husband, after a long awkward silence 
says, "Well, neither of us sucks cock."


.......


Johan Duncanson of The Radio Dept. and me!!!

'Why Won't You Talk About It?'  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzZ8Us_cdTg


I bumped into Fran at that gig.  I met her round Andy's and knew she'd gone to see the Happy Mondays, but I discovered that she'd also been to see of Montreal... I've got a new gig buddy!

Catching up, end of June...

‎'You never see a church with free wi-fi. I guess that's because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.'

(And I haven't laughed as hard in ages as I have at this one:)
‎'A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse, thus lacking the cognitive ability to speak or understand English. It is confused by its surroundings, and promptly shits on the floor, then gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.'

A horse walked into a bar.  Several people got up and left as the spotted the potential danger in the situation.

Also, went to see of Montreal last night!




         




'A Sentence of Sorts in Kongsvinger'  by of Montreal:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUnq9Y-pWOA&feature=related

.....................................

Bah, I'm signing off now, and I haven't gone about any of the things that have been passing through my head... I hate the 'rainy' season in Santiago, am loving music more than people at the moment ... and probably a million other things that sadly won't make it onto this blog....

I'm now listening to My Bloody Valentine's Loveless, I'm going for Isn't Anything when less stoned and/or drunk than presently!