I forgot about anti-jokes

An Irishman walks out of a bar.


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


What's sad about four black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.  (Haha, my dad was the sales manager of a Cadillac dealership for something like 37 years!)


Wow, I'm so fucked,  just sent my parents an e-mail where I actually referred to myself in the third person!  Not only that, but I actually called myself 'bad Stephanie.'

New jokes! And Terryworld.

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"



My daughter has decided to do hair and beauty when she leaves school.

Basically she's thick as fuck.



This is a joke S----- told me; love him, sense of humour as trashy as mine!:

I went to the beach, and I saw a woman lying there with no arms or legs.  I said to her, 'Why do you look so sad?'

She said, 'Because I've never been hugged.'  So I leaned down and gave her a hug.

I looked at her again, and I said, 'Why do you still look sad?'  She said, 'Because nobody's ever kissed me.'  So I leaned down again and gave her a kiss.

After the kiss I said, 'You STILL look sad, why are you sad?'  She said, 'Because I've never been fucked.' 

So I picked her up and threw her into the sea.



After I got mugged in Bradford the police officer asked if I could give a description of the assailant.

"I can give a very accurate description," I replied, as he opened his notebook. "He was a white youth aged between...."

"That's OK sir," he said, closing his book. "We're well acquainted with the lad in question."

I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket. And now I own a shopping trolley. Who visits millions of African children at Christmas while they're sleeping? Death. I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park. What do you get after you win a religious debate against a Muslim? Death threats. I had a job interview this morning. The guy said to me, "You'll get 25K a year, after 2 years you'll get 30K." I said, "Your maths is shit, mate." "Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to, "Your Christmas present is in there!" "Too late," I said, pulling open the door. "You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in. "Why the fuck would I want a half naked milkman?" Rank: I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least fucking wrapped it. 'I before E except after C'. That's confusing as fuck when I am trying to write 'ice'. Reports coming in that Santa will be 20 mins early tonight as he doesn't have to stop in Connecticut for long. How come the Mayans can predict everyone will die... but when I do it I get kicked out of the cancer ward? X-Factor winner James Arthur used to be an alcoholic down-and-out, and now he's writing songs for One Direction. Proof that, no matter what your lot in life is, you can always stoop a bit lower. I'll start to believe that video games create violent killings the day someone gets arrested for killing a pig by catapulting a bird at it. My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week... I lost it. I don't give a shit now and I won't give a shit about Kate and William's new baby when it's born. Unless they decide to name it Kong. My wife has been moaning for 2 days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement.  I should probably go down there and check on her, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain. An old guy slips and falls outside 10 Downing Street just as David Cameron is coming out to get in his car. Cameron helps the old guy to his feet. "Thanks," he says. "If you really want to thank me,"says Cameron, "just vote for me and my party in the next election." "Listen, mate," says the old guy. "I landed on my arse not my fucking head." "Oh Mary, you're pregnant! That's wonderful! And I'm not the father, but that's okay, because God is? Awesome!"  I love naivety plays. No end!.... To a friend: But, S----- speaking here, S----- has the book Terryworld by Terry Richardson.  Have you ever seen it?  I would SO have got that for you as a Christmas present.  It's amazing.  It's a fucking education.  I think EVERYONE, even if you're offended or you think it's smut or filth or whatever should see it.  I made myself look at every single page, even though there were some Chileans in the room who were pretty much like, 'Eeurgh, why are you looking at that filth?'  I actually think it's a culturally important book and a signpost for modern culture in 2012.  I'd made it to 36 years and had never actually seen a ladyboy before!  There's probably more disturbing stuff in there, but it was the ladyboys that threw me!  You SO need to see that book!

Foster the People's 'Pumped Up Kicks' 'Banned' from US radio

Following last week's primary school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, US, and some other (not worth mentioning the song or artist here) songe being banned, Foster the People's 'Pumped Up Kicks' has been 'banned' from some US radio stations.

http://globalgrind.com/music/foster-the-people-pumped-up-kicks-pulled-radio-newtown-massacre-details

Well, the song was released in 2010, and it was ABOUT the Columbine school shootings, so a) I don't think Foster the People are worrying about their chart position right now and b) this was no mere coincidence/something that can only now suddenly be seen to be in bad taste.

Anyone remember when Massive Attack were forced to be called 'The Massive' after September 2001?  

The world's happiest countries are in Latin America?

The world's happiest countries are in Latin America? Interesting how the most developed ones -- Chile, Argentina, Brazil, etc. didn't make the Top 10.

At #33 Chile reached the same place as China, Sweden, the United States and Swaziland. Nowhere else would I group those countries together!


http://www.ibtimes.com/are-worlds-happiest-countries-latin-america-956178


On Facebook, that news link was linked to the following photo, I have no idea why.  I had to re-post the photo, captioned 'One must have something to do with one's time.'

18/12 news... abortion in Ireland and cider limericks!

Ireland to legalise abortion, not just in cases when the woman's life is in danger, but even if she 'suicidal'.  (Which is in danger of a different sort.)  Good.  It's not a free-for-all or anything, but seriously - good.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/dec/18/ireland-legalise-abortion-life-risk

'Reforms expected to allow for abortions where there is a medical risk to the woman's life or a danger of suicide.'  How do you determine 'danger of suicide'?  Sounds to me like politician speak for 'well, we can't make it sound like it's on-demand, but really...'.  Where do you draw the line?  If you say you're suicidal?  Do you have to go into hospital with an overdose?  Visible slits on your wrist?  Claim your dad will kill you (which, if you're of certain ethnic minorities/religions might actually be true)?



I don't think I've done too badly -- a friend wrote me this on Facebook after reading about me banging on about British cider:There was a young lady of Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented,
And made cider inside her inside.


These were my two original responses:

What use was the cider inside
If 'tis the enjoyment denied?
The poor girl woke up
Said, 'now time to sup!,
A ciderless life I decried!'

In this far land is grown the wine --
For someone else 'twould be divine
The landscape takes shape
From the vines of the grape
Yet it's only for cider I pine

Today's news... US troops going to Turkey,

Indiekid Seventysix

Here we go again!

U.S. Troops Are Headed to Turkey to Defend It Against Syria

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/global/2012/12/us-troops-are-headed-turkey-defend-it-against-syria/59986/

In other news, remember that kid I complained about last week, the one I wanted to say to her mother, 'Your kid's a fucking brat.'?  Actually got some high praise!:

Hoy Sofía recibió su nota en Inglés y fué muy buena, de hecho, la mejor nota de prueba del año, un 6.0. Me llamó muy feliz desde el colegio por su resultado y recobró su confianza y su ánimo. Te debo agradecer el apoyo que le brindaste y la paciencia que le tuviste... eso hizo la diferencia. Ella no se dió cuenta de que estaba aprendiendo, pero si lo hacía en cada clase un poco mas.

'Today Sofia received her mark in English and it was very good; in fact, the best mark in the exam in the whole year, a 6.0.  She phoned me very happily from her school with her result and she's recovered [got back] her confidence and her [...? I understand it in Spanish, not sure how to translate it!  'Animation' doesn't work!] motivation.  I need to thank you for the support that you gave and the patience you had... it made all the difference.  She [Sofia] didn't realise that she was learning [?? what the hell else was I doing with her?], but she was doing it every lesson a little bit more.'

.....

And for light relief, some jokes!:

"Take me back to your place and fuck me up the arse!" Some fat girl demanded last night. "I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said. "Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked. "Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow." TOO AWFUL TO PUT ON FACEBOOK!!: What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature? Nurses can take a temperature. Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please." "Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?" "Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen. Lady: Do you smoke? Man: Yes Lady: How many packs a day? Man: 3 packs Lady: How much per pack Man: £10.00 Lady: And how long have you been smoking? Man: 15 years Lady: So if 1 pack costs £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you smoke? Lady: No Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then? My Jimmy Savile advent calendar is shit. The flaps only open from 1-16. So Tulisa's new album has flopped... She must have tried to suck it off. "Children in Need" is on the BBC today. Given their history of employing paedophiles, I don't think the BBC are the best judges of what children need. (jokes from sickipedia.com)

In today's news....

Not good that Facebook seems to have become a source of news (this appeared as a 'trending article' in my newsfeed).

Even worse that this actually happened:  David Cameron at Prime Minister's Questions responds to a question from Ed Miliband with 'We [his government] are raising money for the rich'.



http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/cameron-at-the-pmqs-we-are-raising-money-for-the-rich-8411915.html


Also, 'Bieber Murder Plot Foiled by Police'?  Damned police, they're only ever around when you DON'T want them to be!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2012/dec/14/justin-bieber-murder-kidnap-plot

Love the cynicism! -music

This seems like the first song in Spanish that I can listen to ALL the words and understand them all.

And what a sentiment, too; I agree, Andrés!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw0PmuX8HSk

(The teacher in me says this is a great song for students/people who are learning Spanish!)

Eleven days old, I know... and purposeless 'gossip'...

I was OBSESSED as of Tuesday with this Gabriel Aubry/psycho Halle Berry/hired thug Olivier Martínez case... Gabriel's hotness came second to me feeling for him for what was an obviously undeserved beating, even if he did swing first (which I don't believe, but I'm biased, Team Aubry!)... sadly I know what it's like to be kicked and punched in the face.  I spent hours and hours reading people's comments on it and looking for updates on Tuesday, Weds, Thurs... damp squib Friday, case settled with no juicy details , but Gabriel Aubry's got access to his daughter again, and let's hope that a) most importantly, the out-of-court-settlement means that goon (Olivier Martínez) who has no right to see HIS (GA's) daughter anyway is allowed anywhere near her and b) that Gabriel Aubry has got all his medical and court costs paid, as well as free access to his OWN daughter whom he clearly wants to fight for!

I need to update this blog more regularly!

(http://winsomeaunt.blogspot.com/2011/10/exploding-head-syndrome.html)

I need to get back into the swing of this blog more regularly!  Between dodgy (drunken) Facebook posts (... way too many times recently I have woken up on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon thinking 'WHAT did I write?'  And not even being able to remember.... Sometimes filled with shame when I've seen what I've written...), being filled with guilt for not getting around to writing to my non-Facebook friends, and just sometimes feeling stressed, with loads of thoughts running through my head, but never getting them out of my system.  Sometimes I think I think things that are quite interesting and/or worth recording, but I never get round to it, and thus those thoughts are lost forever!  And it's good (and probably healthy) to be able to vent!!

So, I can't catch up on everything, but one of yesterday's thoughts that was reiterated today: how do you tell a parent 'your kid's a fucking brat'?  This has to do with a 10-year-old girl I've been teaching English to.  Her mum is my student as well, and the mum's great.  I don't think this girl is a spoilt brat so much as a 'loose-boundaried' only child.  Her parents do teach her right from wrong and do try to tell her the appropriate way to behave; from what I've seen they're not strict enough or maybe they don't reinforce what they say.  I almost walked out of there yesterday, ready to forego whatever pay I may have earned.  You can't teach a child who doesn't want to put the effort in, and I'm not willing to play games (pretending she doesn't understand, avoiding answering direct questions by raising some stupid tangential point that even at ten years old she must realise is not the issue at all).

So on to more interesting things....  I made it to both these events in Santiago de Chile, one Saturday after the other:

             

I certainly do still love live music!  La Cumbre was certainly chileno: ran out of food before 9pm; overran by more than two hours; low on any entertainment outside the two stages that were directly next to each other (I still can't mathematically figure out how they got 39 bands on in 12 - I mean 14.5 hours - as each band seemed to play for well over 25 minutes (except for Astro).  But the sound quality was great, the stage set-up (with video screens) was good and it truly was the best opportunity all year to catch Chilean bands in one place.  I was too tired and too cold to see Los Bunkers (whom I love and pretty much bought the ticket for; they finished at 1.40am) and Francisca Valenzuela (caught her at Primavera Fauna), but I saw some of the bands I wanted to see: Dënver, Astro and Camila Moreno.  Missed Pedro Piedra, found Javiera Mena overrated, but enjoyed De Saloon, Ases Falsos, and Sinergía were certainly daytime crowd-pleasers!

Primavera Fauna was great, totally an 'international' event, but in addition to Francisca I saw The Walkmen (LOVE 'The Rat'), Dinosaur Jr (has it really been 22 years since I owned Green Mind on cassette tape? ... Weird to see J Mascis grey now!) and Pulp!  Jarvis is the (show)man!  I was a bit surprised to find out he's 49 rather than 46.  I also had a conversation with the drummer from Little Boots, Ben Chetwood.  A REALLY nice guy!  Extremely nice!  (Ben, Chile and Santiago, Chile isn't quite the paradise that it may have appeared, but it's really great you enjoyed your time here!)  I also had a good day out with friends.  And it's the ONLY festival I've been to in Chile (haha, I've only been to three) where they sell alcohol.  Win-win!  We wound up chilling next to the dance tent until 4am.  (What a shame about Chile's drug problem.  The problem is that drugs are too damn difficult to find here!)

Well, I've more to say, but not enough time!  I must remember to come back here regularly!

Until next time!  ¡Hasta luego!