I'm rubbish at updating... but here are some jokes

Family all sat down watching the Olympic opening ceremony 

Daughter: Afghanistan don't seem to have a big team?
Mother: They've probably all been shot...
Father: Yeah, but their Paralympics team is massive.




I was at a funeral yesterday and the vicar said "Has anyone got any kind words for him?" It was greeted by silence.

"Any friends?" "Any work mates?" 

Still silence.

The vicar then said "Can anyone say anything nice about this man?"

A voice from the back said "Yeah, his brother was a bigger cunt."

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase. A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eyesight' The shootings at the cinema in Denver have ruined the Batman film for me. All I can see in my pirate copy is the audience running about.

The Higgs Boson. Since we are now pretty sure it actually exists, can we all agree to stop calling it the "God particle?" I hope everything is fine with Adele's pregnancy. Because I really can't listen to a whole album about a dead baby this winter. Crimewatch: 48-year-old shopkeeper Javed Ali was brutally stabbed and after 2 weeks lying in a coma his family had to make the agonising decision. To shut the shop and go visit him in hospital. The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season. Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers. My children came up nervously to me and asked the awkward question about adoption. I looked at them and said with a smile, "Don't worry, there's no chance whatsoever of any of you being adopted." My job at the orphanage is now under question. Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses." A security guard stopped me as I walked out of Tesco this morning. "I believe you've got a bottle of champagne inside your jacket," he said. "Would you mind opening it for me?" "Not at all," I replied. "Have you got a couple of glasses?" As I sat down in front of the PC and had a wank, he calmly added an indecency charge. Apparently, birthing pools are very popular in China nowadays. It gives a more relaxed, natural birth experience, plus it's really handy for if the baby turns out to be a girl. I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, cracking open a beer. What's the difference between a carpet salesman and me when I'm out on the pull? One deals in rugs and drapes... My wife gave me a blow job this morning, and it was the first time she'd done it in fucking ages. I was so surprised and confused that I ended up paying her after it. Ashley Cole was asked in court yesterday if he found it a bit uncomfortable to be closely associated with an alleged racist. "Nah, not really - we're divorced now" he replied. "What's my name and who's your Daddy?" I shouted during one of our recent spanking sessions. "I don't know!" cried my wife. She was far kinkier before the Alzheimer's. I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain. I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.