New jokes! And Terryworld.

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"



My daughter has decided to do hair and beauty when she leaves school.

Basically she's thick as fuck.



This is a joke S----- told me; love him, sense of humour as trashy as mine!:

I went to the beach, and I saw a woman lying there with no arms or legs.  I said to her, 'Why do you look so sad?'

She said, 'Because I've never been hugged.'  So I leaned down and gave her a hug.

I looked at her again, and I said, 'Why do you still look sad?'  She said, 'Because nobody's ever kissed me.'  So I leaned down again and gave her a kiss.

After the kiss I said, 'You STILL look sad, why are you sad?'  She said, 'Because I've never been fucked.' 

So I picked her up and threw her into the sea.



After I got mugged in Bradford the police officer asked if I could give a description of the assailant.

"I can give a very accurate description," I replied, as he opened his notebook. "He was a white youth aged between...."

"That's OK sir," he said, closing his book. "We're well acquainted with the lad in question."

I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket. And now I own a shopping trolley. Who visits millions of African children at Christmas while they're sleeping? Death. I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park. What do you get after you win a religious debate against a Muslim? Death threats. I had a job interview this morning. The guy said to me, "You'll get 25K a year, after 2 years you'll get 30K." I said, "Your maths is shit, mate." "Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to, "Your Christmas present is in there!" "Too late," I said, pulling open the door. "You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in. "Why the fuck would I want a half naked milkman?" Rank: I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least fucking wrapped it. 'I before E except after C'. That's confusing as fuck when I am trying to write 'ice'. Reports coming in that Santa will be 20 mins early tonight as he doesn't have to stop in Connecticut for long. How come the Mayans can predict everyone will die... but when I do it I get kicked out of the cancer ward? X-Factor winner James Arthur used to be an alcoholic down-and-out, and now he's writing songs for One Direction. Proof that, no matter what your lot in life is, you can always stoop a bit lower. I'll start to believe that video games create violent killings the day someone gets arrested for killing a pig by catapulting a bird at it. My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week... I lost it. I don't give a shit now and I won't give a shit about Kate and William's new baby when it's born. Unless they decide to name it Kong. My wife has been moaning for 2 days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement.  I should probably go down there and check on her, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain. An old guy slips and falls outside 10 Downing Street just as David Cameron is coming out to get in his car. Cameron helps the old guy to his feet. "Thanks," he says. "If you really want to thank me,"says Cameron, "just vote for me and my party in the next election." "Listen, mate," says the old guy. "I landed on my arse not my fucking head." "Oh Mary, you're pregnant! That's wonderful! And I'm not the father, but that's okay, because God is? Awesome!"  I love naivety plays. No end!.... To a friend: But, S----- speaking here, S----- has the book Terryworld by Terry Richardson.  Have you ever seen it?  I would SO have got that for you as a Christmas present.  It's amazing.  It's a fucking education.  I think EVERYONE, even if you're offended or you think it's smut or filth or whatever should see it.  I made myself look at every single page, even though there were some Chileans in the room who were pretty much like, 'Eeurgh, why are you looking at that filth?'  I actually think it's a culturally important book and a signpost for modern culture in 2012.  I'd made it to 36 years and had never actually seen a ladyboy before!  There's probably more disturbing stuff in there, but it was the ladyboys that threw me!  You SO need to see that book!