Jokes

When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, "Fucking brilliant!"

Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order.

Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene.
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Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
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My wife developed breast cancer and told me her doctor had suggested a double mastectomy, so I went online to see if there was any alternative.

Tracy, 36, from Newcastle looks a good one.
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I just bought the brand new Indian version of Cluedo.

They all did it, in the bus, with a teenage girl.
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Lots of confusion with the hashtag #nowthatchersdead.

Cher isn't dead.
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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

That's why I'm no longer a gynaecologist....
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Margaret Thatcher's final wish was to be cremated.

Unfortunately, we've no coal left.
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I can't help being lazy.

It walks in the family.
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Horrifying sights at the Boston marathon tonight.

Americans in shorts.
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The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, however humans don't feel the effect of it.

Until the ninth or tenth pint.
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After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with.

Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first.
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Even though he's only 11, the Jewish kid in my class turned in a fantastic essay about the Holocaust.

I gave him a gold star.