New jokes

I was at the Tate Modern Gallery with my friend today and we saw a painting of a man with frizzy hair which had the name 'Garfunkel' written underneath.

My friend said, "I like it, but is it Art?"
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A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
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Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.

While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France, at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast.

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"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?" I asked my date.

"Really?" she asked. "What's the first?"

"A big fuck off knife!" I replied.

"Ha-ha, you're funny," she said.

"Well done, you've made a sensible choice."
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As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd."
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We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours.

They seem like nice people.

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So Ian Brady wants the right to be able to kill himself.

Why don't the prison services tell him there is a gun buried in the jail somewhere, but don't tell him where it is?

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off.

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.
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My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober.

Fucking hell, I got married?
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I'm pretty sure I can throw a pound coin further than it would get me on a bus these days.
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I filled in a job application for the local council and under disabilities I put Narcolepsy and Tourette's Syndrome.

So not only will I be able to sleep at work, if someone tries to wake me up; I can tell them to fuck off.
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I went to see a psychic last night.

She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed.

She said, "I know, leukaemia is a bastard."
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"Army chief says cuts could be dangerous."

Let's hope nobody tells him about guns and bombs.

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"Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver.

"Is it his shield?" I asked.
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After he exposed them for spying on millions of Americans, the US Government has charged Edward Snowden with, erm, spying.
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I've just made the best recipe for tofu ever!

Simply brush generously with extra virgin olive oil before lightly tossing it in the bin.
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My deaf girlfriend told me to fuck off.

That's not a good sign.

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It's not the size of my wife's breasts that concern me.

It's the length.
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