Jokes

When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, "Fucking brilliant!"

Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order.

Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene.
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Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
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My wife developed breast cancer and told me her doctor had suggested a double mastectomy, so I went online to see if there was any alternative.

Tracy, 36, from Newcastle looks a good one.
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I just bought the brand new Indian version of Cluedo.

They all did it, in the bus, with a teenage girl.
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Lots of confusion with the hashtag #nowthatchersdead.

Cher isn't dead.
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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

That's why I'm no longer a gynaecologist....
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Margaret Thatcher's final wish was to be cremated.

Unfortunately, we've no coal left.
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I can't help being lazy.

It walks in the family.
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Horrifying sights at the Boston marathon tonight.

Americans in shorts.
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The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, however humans don't feel the effect of it.

Until the ninth or tenth pint.
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After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with.

Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first.
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Even though he's only 11, the Jewish kid in my class turned in a fantastic essay about the Holocaust.

I gave him a gold star.

Bye Bye Beyer

I spent weeks (well at least a couple) wondering what Harald Beyer had done, why had he been suspended and now 'destituido', what had he done that was unconstitutional, and I never got a satisfactory answer, neither from the newspapers nor the people I'd asked.

Now I know.  (Though I fear that the foreign press sticking its nose in to judge a national issue is not going to go down well.)

http://www.economist.com/blogs/americasview/2013/04/education-chile

Drugs that cause most harm

A gem from The Economist:

http://www.economist.com/blogs/dailychart/2010/11/drugs_cause_most_harm?

I'm surprised that cannabis is as high on the list as it actually is, but other than that this doesn't surprise me.  Nice to see that LSD and magic mushrooms do no harm to anyone else (statistically).

I wonder if this is also based on availability, in which case the availability of cannabis should be much higher than the availability of everything else but alcohol and tobacco.

It's more difficult to see, but if you can work out the proportions, that's also interesting. As I commented, the ratio of harm to others compared to the harm done to users of LSD and magic mushrooms is statistically insignificant.  The harm to others from alcohol is greater than the harm to done to drinkers of alcohol.  I'm not sure why the harm to others to others from methamphetamines is so low compared to the harm done to users... loads of meth users lose their kids and trailer parks, don't they?  But they're very, very interesting statistics, no matter how you take them.  (And yeah, I think a different study would yield different results.)

Kasabian guitarist quits to join Beady Eye

(http://pop-break.com/2011/10/02/review-kasabian-velociraptor/)

What??  It seems that Jay Mehler, guitarist with Kasabian, is leaving Kasabian to become the bassist in Liam Gallagher's Beady Eye.  This makes no sense to me.  I don't Kasabian's latest work as well as I know the first two albums, and I know Kasabian supported Oasis or High Flying Birds or something at some point, but Beady Eye seem so derivative and uninspired, why would you leave Kasabian, a still creative force, for Beady Eye?

But then I thought about it, and Andy Bell of Ride joined Oasis in their later years, and that's an even bigger travesty!  Ride in the early '90s were AMAZING!!  Oasis were tired by 1996 (although their first album was brilliant and deserves all the acclaim they got.... Morning Glory was a great maturation, but it wasn't as 'fresh' as Definitely Maybe.  But how could you go from Ride, a wonderfully creative force (up til about '94) to tired old Oasis?

I don't get it, and I don't think it's about the money, either.  Well, I hope Beady Eye's second album is better than the first one!


http://www.nme.com/news/kasabian/69090

Joke of the Day

My son was thrown out of school 
today for letting a girl in his
class wank him off. 

I sat him down and said "Son, 
that's three schools this year. 
Maybe teaching isn't for you."

(courtesy Popbitch)

The Cribs, winner of NME's Outstanding Contribution to Music 2013

I feel the need to pre-empt this post by saying I like The Cribs!  A LOT!  I've currently got Men's Needs, Women's Needs on my mp3 player.  I hadn't listened to it in two or three years, and the first time I listened to it in 2013 I thought to myself, 'I forgot how good this album is, this is a great album!  And it works as an album, not just as a few singles and some filler.'  The New Fellas, Ignore the Ignorant....



Photo: http://www.clubzone.com/events/518258/toronto/lees-palace-and-the-dance-cave/the-cribs

BUT I'm surprised The Cribs got the NME award for Outstanding Contribution to Music.  Recent winners have included Pulp, PJ Harvey, The Specials and Elbow.  However, the Outstanding Contribution to Music award is different to the Godlike Genius award (recent years: Noel Gallagher, Dave Grohl and Paul Weller). (I wonder how the criteria differ between OCM and Godlike Genius... unlike Godlike Genius has to be an individual?)

Yet despite how much I like The Cribs, I'm quite surprised to see them up there with Pulp, PJ Harvey and The Specials.  Well done, lads, though I never would have thought!

DEP Hugo Chávez

It felt a bit weird looking at the Internet covers of three British newspapers (two broadsheets of differing political ideologies and a tabloid [but not The Sun]), and seeing that the death (or announcement) of Hugo Chávez is NOT front page news in the UK!  It is here, in Chile obviously, though I would imagine it's an even bigger story north of Chile/Argentina/ (and maybe) Brazil.

The man was certainly divisive in life... a true man of the people and a defender of the poor... but looking at the state of the Venezuelan economy, Venezuelan crime and security, and what's been done with the oil money, I can't not say he's obviously not overseen some massive problems in the Venezuelan state.



http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/mar/06/hugo-chavez-lives-venezuela-leader

It's actually legal to get married via Skype??  Apparently it is in some parts of the U.S.!  With few exceptions, surely the married couple should be meeting in person on their wedding day!